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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!