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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.