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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....