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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually