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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!