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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat