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It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
2 words, 1 finger.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
I just awesomed all over the place.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.