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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner