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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today