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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.