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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.