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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.