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Before the internet I used to like people.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.