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Long story short, I love summaries.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.