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If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.