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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I just threw up my weekend.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.