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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?