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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.