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I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.