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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!