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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.