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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
All milk is breast milk.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....