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I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them