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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Never trust a skinny chef
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I’m tired of things costing money.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Are walruses just vampire manatees?