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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.