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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.