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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music