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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Iām not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.