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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.