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New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!