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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!