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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.