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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing