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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.