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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.