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Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.