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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.