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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional