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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?