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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Don’t believe everything you think.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.