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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.