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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!