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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Running behind is my cardio.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.