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Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.