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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.