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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!