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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired