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Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
This recliner and I go way back.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist