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There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.