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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
My mind has a mind of its own.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone