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French people give me the crepes.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister