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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.