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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.