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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."