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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.