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Exercise? More like extra fries.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.