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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)