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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list