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Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.