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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.