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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke