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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.