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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.