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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.