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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
and alcohol are now friends.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.