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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time