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April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.