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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!