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I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.