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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?