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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Line forms here for spankings
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.