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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.