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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
That`s not how I met your mother.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.