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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I wish I had a friend like me
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.