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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough