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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
All milk is breast milk.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.