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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...