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Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?