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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`