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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.