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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.