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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?