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I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.