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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.