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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?