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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.