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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.