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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.