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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."