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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.