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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)