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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s