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Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?