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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
That`s not how I met your mother.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late