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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?