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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted