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Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"