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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.