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Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.