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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.