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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.