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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.