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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Iām the kind of guy who dreams about naps while Iām asleep.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.