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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"