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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.