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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"