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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.