Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.