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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.