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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.