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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.