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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.